It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
