if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
