4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize