my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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