i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
