i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize