So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
