You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
