Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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