A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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