Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
