it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize