I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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