So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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