i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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