Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
