last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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