the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
