They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize