Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
