Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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