I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
tell me about the eggs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
