Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
