Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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