literally had 100 drinks last night.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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