And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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