I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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