When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
