I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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