I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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