I wish my penis had an off switch
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize