Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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