i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
