Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dicks are not precious.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize