Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
