if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
