I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
