I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
