i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
