I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
