My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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