Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
