fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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