Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
