i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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