Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
