I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
are you so shy because you have an std?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
