Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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