mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
