my vag is so smooth its legendary
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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