My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
