everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
