I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
