You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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