Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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