I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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