im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
