for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
