saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had sex on a dog bed..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
