how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
