i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
