I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
