I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
