i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize