how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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