I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
