There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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