dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
