Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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